Pearls of Wisdom: It's OK to take a break.

Last night I was busy in SL diddling with some builds in my workshop while in RL I was tending to a creature recovering from the flu. In the midst of it all I received the most uncomfortable notice "XXX has dissolved your friendship." This is a strange feature included in the Emerald Viewer and while I find it interesting to know when I am dropped from a friends list, it leaves me wondering, "Wha?! What did i do?!" I deliberated for a few minutes and decided that my relationship with this person was important enough that I could not just let her go. I sent a quick IM to her letter her know and we had a conversation for a few minutes.

As it turns out she recently lost a dear loved one. And, as a result she's taking some time to evaluate her priorities and set her lives in order. For the moment SL just isn't very high on her list. And so she was engaging in some SL cleansing. I've done this so I am familiar with the process. It usually occurs when a person becomes disenchanted by SL or the people in their SLives. Thier profile gets cleaned of all but those that are the very closest, their friends list is pared down to a minimum, land is sold off, and in some cases inventory is purged. (ugh, i'm squirming just thinking of that extreme.) Often the external internet presence is also given a once over (i.e. plurk vacation, flickr accounts gone private, blogs put on hold.)

It astonished me that in our conversation she was very careful to assure me that it was not anything that I had done. Her words were laced with guilt for leaving friends behind in SL. I could sense the tug she felt between her desire to experience more in her RL and the obligation she felt to the friendships in her SL. My heart goes out to my friend and to others like her that feel torn between the two worlds. I'm not sure there is anything but experience that can teach a person how to cope in that situation, but I can assure you that it's possible to have both lives.

For those of you that are taking a break. It's OK. RL comes first. You're not abandoning anyone. We know this is hard for you and we'll support you in your decision.

For those of you that have a friend taking a break. It's OK. RL comes first. You're not being abandoned. This is hard for your friend that is leaving. Make sure they know that you support their decision. Let them go in peace. Please.


Queen & Co. Crying Plant #1
Available here.

Pearls of Wisdom: Two sides to every story

In my time in Second Life I've been witness to countless dramas as a distant observer as well as a reluctant confidante. Usually I'm exposed one person's detailed account of the situation and left to collect the other side of the story through observation. As you may imagine it results in a slanted view of the story, and if I'm not careful, a prejudicial demeanor towards the other party.
It just happened again and I'm compelled to share some words of wisdom. I could not have stated it better myself.

Two Second Life residents on Plurk were going through some "issues." and one party offered to their readers to be contacted in-world to give the truth, not fabrications. Yes, I rolled my eyes as I thought to myself "whose truth?" Then, the most wondrous angels of reason descended upon the Plurk stream:

Tenshi: Everyone fabricates their own side.
Tenshi: Everyone sees history differently.
Tenshi: There's a huge difference between a lie and a different view.
Tenshi: I'm not saying that's what is going on - I don't have a damn clue - I'm just running my mouth.
Madame Maracas: tenshivielle do you mean the difference between a lie and the Rashoman effect?

[effect of the subjectivity of perception on recollection, by which observers of an event are able to produce substantially different but equally plausible accounts of it. - Wikipedia]
NOTE: x-treme editing used to focus on the generality of the statements.

Amazing!! I was thankful to be instantly reminded there are at least two sides to every story. And the storyteller's account is almost always colored by their own perceptions. It can be very confusing. Be careful of judging other people based on information that is not received first hand. And be careful of great story tellers, they can cloud your vision.

Now, I know this, but it's good to be reminded. I prefer to listen and observe and come to my own conclusions. Often, it's not the underlying issue, but rather an evaluation as to how each party handled the matter. That in itself can be the biggest clue to a person's true character and the most determinative as to how I choose to conduct myself when relating to each party.

Pearls of Wisdom: Signs of a relationship gone bad

I’ve recently witnessed a friend suffer needlessly from heartache in SL. Her pain was so unnecessary and could have easily been avoided if the man she was involved with had been honest with her about ending their relationship. But he wasn’t. Instead, he chose to string her along with stories that always seemed to indicate that but for external problems they would be together. He would say things to her like, “I miss you so much. I’ve been working with the cable company to get a better connection. And I’m not sure why I don’t show online to you even when I am on. And I don’t know why you don’t get my IMs. And I’ve been so sick lately that it’s hard for me to get anything done.”

My friend did not ask to have a man in her SL. He came along while she was happy living her SL. She enjoyed his company so they spent more time together and slowly she opened herself up to him. And she gave him trust which is how she ended up believing his cocktail of excuses. But there was always doubt lurking in the corners. As it turns out he had taken serious interest in a girl that had been a friend of his for awhile. And instead of being honest to my friend he chose to feed her stories and hope. She was left wondering constantly what the state of their relationship was. Eventually she knew, but it took time to accept. It was especially difficult because the stories kept going although his behavior indicated otherwise.

This experience changed my friend. And that is why I want to hurt this man so bad because he has broken her spirit. There was no reason she had to suffer as she did. She’s a good person, she trusted him, and she wanted to believe that no one could treat another person as he was treating her. Unfortunately this situation is not unique in SL. As a service to others I have compiled a short but meaningful list of behaviors that can indicate that your relationship is on the decline:

1. Constant SL failures including but not limited to: IMs not working, showing false online/offline of self or others, chronic unsuccessful log-ins.
2. Unbelievably bad RL luck: illness of self or family member, loss of power, failing internet connection.
3. Inability to understand and utilize alternative forms of communication: phone, e-mail, chat programs.
4. A drastic reduction in time on SL.

What do you do if you can identify more than one of these in your relationship? Be prepared for a long drawn out period in which you’ll vacillate between ending the relationship yourself and hoping that everything will work out. Even if you end it yourself you’ll be left wondering, “did you jump the gun? Did you break it off too soon? Maybe he was telling the truth all along?” Oh it’s horrible. It really is. While I am not “the friend” I refer to in this post I have also been through this experience. And if you ask around I think you’ll find others who have as well.

Pearls of Wisdom - To each his own

A few weeks ago I was running amok playing with Four Yip's creations at her gallery at KMADD.  I was dressed up in one of the costumes she had put out and was taking glorious piccies.  

For a reason I now cannot recall I tp'd back to the gallery...oh yes, for the SLURL!!...and I came across Rawly Rousselot who writes for SL InWorld Today.  We struck up conversation about Four Yip. He had never seen her creations.  And then we talked about KMADD.  I knew nothing of it.  He filled me in on the wondrous world of KMADD society and I entertained him with a show of Yip costumes.  He's a blogger and dropped a hint about his column and sure enough the next day, there I was in SL InWorld Today, stuck in a pose an dressed in nothing but panties and a tiny sweater.  Figures, nearly naked.  Again.

As I read the article I began to reflect on the community of people represented in SL InWorld Today.  What caught my eye is a very swanky event planning operation and I couldn't help but to think how shiny and pretty the organization looks. 

Then my mind switches to thoughts of the work I do with Bridgitte Boucher to put on events.  While we are always professionals in what we do there is a certain down and dirty feeling that I get when our happenings come together.  Often they are raw and organic. Upon reflection I conclude that I love the thought of how amazing our events turn out. 

But then for a fleeting moment I wondered what it would be like to work within the shininess of this other group.  The thought left more quickly than it came because I think what we do is wonderful and I love the means as much as the end.

Stepping back to contemplate I look around and see that within the SL world there is a spectrum for every facet of the community.  We all choose to operate in different ways and naturally our efforts elicit different results.  However, whether we have the shine or not, the important part is that we're here doing it, making it happen.  And when we can find satisfaction in the things we do in SL we should celebrate the achievement.

Pearls of Wisdom - It ain't my business... IT IS NOW!!

I recently wrote a post in which I shared my thoughts on our responsibilities to others in the world of Second Life.  After I wrote the piece I understood that the problem between AvieA and AvieB had subsided.  However, it is my sad duty to report that not only has the issue that inspired the previous post not died down, but rather it is festering and infecting the lives of others in the community.

I was a witness to the problem first hand two nights ago and I'm still working through my head how to cope with this situation.  Initially I was LIVID. Adrenaline rush kinda LIVID. Friends and I (including AvieA) were having a great time at a party when AvieB tp'd in and laid out some heavy handed bullying techniques which brought the fun to a screeching halt.  I was nuts out of my mind that someone could do that, it was ridiculous! Really, it was the most insane thing I've seen someone do for.....I don't know....forever!!  I quickly removed myself from the situation to avoid taking rash action and thus lowering myself to AvieB's level.  But I haven't stopped thinking about what happened.  It was too bizarre!  Here I had finally had an opportunity to see something that up until now had been hearsay.

I've considered whether to include the details above in writing this post because I don't want to fuel this insanity. But I decided at least this part of the story is necessary to give insight as to how deeply this has all affected me.  

You might wonder why I'm spending so much time thinking about this.  Why do I really care? I'd say see my previous post.  But also, when I see this happening I see a failure of humanity and it makes me sad.  I can't wrap my mind around AvieB's behavior.  I can't fathom why months later she is still continuing with this issue instead of dropping it and moving on. I've even tried to consider her side of the story. But I still don't understand what would compel her to be aggressive and take affirmative steps to bring another person down as I witnessed the other night. I will probably never understand.

At times like this I step out of Queen's brain into my RL person because SL can sometimes be a tricky and deceitful little bastard.  I try to get some perspective by looking through the RL lens. Here, AvieA and AvieB, two RL people, are sitting at their keyboards and operating avatars as if they're reading off of an old Days of Our Lives script.  But the problem is, at least from what I perceive, at least one of them is not having fun doing it.  

What's going on in AvieB's RL life, mind, soul that she delights in her around the world power trip? I've seen RL pictures of AvieB because she's made them public. I've looked into a picture of her RL eyes as she poses with a RL friend.  She looks like a happy attractive person with friends and activities to fulfill her life.  I can't imagine what is so horrible in a person's RL that they have to come into Second Life and act the way they do.  I rarely find answers when I wonder. And here instead, I found compassion for the person behind AvieB.  My heart goes out to the RL person who needs to live in a persona whose existence seems to depend on wielding superficial powers that result in another's misery.  

This was a hard post to write.   I hesitated to write it because I'm not interested in engaging with either AvieA or AvieB to "take sides" and I fear there may be some backlash from this post. But I also know that whether we're in Second Life, or another social internet platform, there is a lesson to be learned from these people. I feel for both of these people because they are caught up in the nastier side of Second Life where people forget that there are humans behind the avie. Maybe, just maybe, they might read this and it might help.  If not them, then maybe it will help another by reminding them that even in a world of pixels the way we conduct ourselves affects the people around us.  

At times like this I am thankful for my RL and SL and the family, friends and love I have in both RL and SL that have helped me to develop the strength and thoughtfulness to be mindful of others and to never have to bring another person down in order to boost myself up.

Finally, Second Life is a place to be anything you want to be, do anything you want to do.  In the immortal words of Viv Savage, "Have... a good time... all the time."

Pearls of Wisdom - It ain't my business. Or is it?

I usually try my best to abstain from getting into other peoples messes.  Much like the childhood game of telephone communications in SL become distorted and embellished upon. So any action by me would be based on false information and probably result in a bigger mess. And generally in time these messes clean themselves up and I can continue with my happy SLife.

Once in awhile the trouble festers and grows.  Over a period of time I hear the story retold. Eventually, when pieced together the picture becomes more clear. Recently I heard news of trouble brewing in SL amongst a group of people I socialize with.  As the story goes one person was using heavy handed techniques to push another person out of a social circle. It was essentially, "it's her or me, take your pick" combined with an under the breath "if you don't pick me you'll be sorry."  The fist time I heard this I rolled my eyes and thought, "oh brother, who does she think she is?"  Then I heard it again.  I thought, "maybe I should just keep clear of this for awhile."  And then I heard that her technique was working. That's when my brow furrowed and I began to ask, "why are people letting this happen?"  The simple answer I got was, "Because it isn't me, so why should I bother?"

Answers like this make my stomach turn. We are all part of a community and its absurd to think there is no consequence when we sit idly by while our neighbors are attacked.  When situations arise, like the one I've described above I'm reminded of this quote:

First they came first for the Communists, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist;
And then they came for the trade unionists, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist;
And then they came for the Jews, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew;
And then . . . they came for me . . . And by that time there was no one left to speak up.
- Pastor Martin Niemöller

Sometimes I can't find words of my own to express myself.  Or someone does it so much better. Here, Mr. Niemöller says in a few brief words what would take me an eternity to convey.  I'm sharing this with you (my 3 readers and a drop in) today because it has been helpful to me more times than I'd have liked. It is inevitable that you may find yourself in a similar situation as me and I'd encourage you to keep this quote in mind when deciding how you'd respond.

Note: The actual quote varies depending on what resource one refers to.  At this time I am more concerned about sharing the essence of the quote rather than a historical dissertation on it's origin.  Plenty of google hits if you're wanting more.

Pearls of Wisdom - Patterns

Ok, so I have some friends that I IM with and usually get a return message at 5 minute intervals.  Some friends will say good night and talk for another 10 minutes while others will flash a BBL (be back later) and log off with no notice at all.  Wow...I even have a very dear friend that will often not reply at all. (He's a chronic AKF'r.)  Now... when i first got here I may have read into this behavior more, maybe even taken it personally.

This recently happened to me when a new friend TP'd me to his location where he and his friends were in the middle of an inane conversation.  Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of conversations like that, BUT... it was...ummmm... uncomfortable.  This new friend maybe said two words to me...it was so odd.  I started to take the whole scene the wrong way and that's my A-HA! moment.  I didn't know him well enough to know his "pattern."  I have since found out that is the way he operates and now that I know that I can conduct my mind accordingly.  And...have a new good friend!! Heeeeee!!

So the next time a person gets upset because their new friend doesn't reply quickly, or poofs with no notice, just remind that person that they have to know a persons pattern first before they pass judgment.  I think...in my very humble opinion...that keeping this in mind will avoid unnecessary bad feelings.